Prem Picks: Bangin’ the Biebs Edition
My wife can’t stop talking about the Justin Bieber sex scandal.
Here’s the skinny: This middle-aged lesbian (eeks) knocked up this 20-year-old fan (super-duper eeks!) backstage after a concert. Allegedly.
I knew that already.
I didn’t know this (but my wife was eager to fill me in):
The Bieber Baby Mama (Alleged) is getting death threats from Beliebers (that’s what Justin Bieber fans call themselves, I’m told).
Funny thing is, they all want to do the exact same thing the Bieber Baby Mama (Alleged) did to the Biebs and his gender-confused squeaky-clean Canadian heinie.
Case in point:
“I could kill this bitch, really she messes with my baby!!! SHE IS SOOO DEAD,” tweeted a user named @BeccaLindsay.
Psycho!
More stuff I didn’t know (wifey was eager to help once again): The Bieber Baby Mama (Alleged) could be investigated for statutory rape!
The Biebs's main squeeze.
How fun!
So let’s get this straight. As the original Bieber Baby Mama (Alleged), you get ridiculed for the rest of your life for having sex with Justin Bieber. Then you’re actually stuck with Justin Bieber’s baby AND you have to go to prison. Didn’t think that one through, eh?
Finally, I also didn’t know this (more help from the wife): The Biebs’s girlfriend, Selena Gomez (shockingly cute), took off her purity ring last winter. Shocking!
That got me thinking. My wife sure knows a lot about the Biebs, doesn’t she?
Just a minute ago, I caught her singing a Justin Bieber song (again, I didn’t know. She had to tell me).
“I just can’t stop embarrassing myself,” she said.
No, honey, you can’t. And it is embarrassing.
And besides, your husband follows a league where sex scandals like this happen all the time. Well, maybe not just like it.
On to the predictions.
THIS WEEKEND’S ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE GAMES
(Ratings based on watchability, with 5 Bieber Baby Daddys being the highest.)
5 Bieber Baby Daddys
None
4 Bieber Baby Daddys
West Bromwich Albion at Arsenal
When: Saturday, 11 a.m. Eastern (all times Eastern from now on)
TV: Fox Soccer (delayed, 6 p.m.)
What’s up: As I’ve written before, with Arsenal’s defense in the shape it’s in, every game gets at least four stars until one of two things happen.
• They get relegated (hey, it didn’t sound so crazy six weeks ago).
• They get back into the Top 4 (getting close now).
So, this game counts.
Arsenal picked up a great win last week (predicted here, by the way) at Chelsea. West Brom has played well on the road, winning twice and drawing once in five matches.
Prediction: Arsenal 2, West Brom 1
Everton at Newcastle United
When: Saturday, 8:45 a.m.
TV: ESPN2
What’s up: This is the kind of match Newcastle (still undefeated through 10 matches, good for third place) needs to win if it really wants to make a challenge for a Top 4 spot.
This is the kind of match Everton just needs to win. Actually a draw would be nice too.
Prediction: The unbeaten run ends. Everton 1, Newcastle 0.
Tottenham Hotspur at Fulham
When: Sunday, 11 a.m.
TV: Fox Soccer (live)
What’s up: This is the kind of game Spurs need to win if they want to convince everybody they really are, for realz, a big club (snicker).
This is the kind of game Fulham needs to win if it wants to get out of relegation trouble (15th place, four points above the drop).
Prediction: Spurs 1, Fulham 1
Wigan Athletic at Wolverhampton Wanderers
When: Sunday, 8:30 a.m.
TV: Fox Soccer Plus (live)
What’s up: Wigan is rock bottom, 20th in the table. Wolves are 17th, one spot above the relegation zone.
It’s a relegation rumble!
Also, it’s the best name-game of the week.
Prediction: Wigan 2, Wolves 2
3 Bieber Baby Daddys
Manchester City at Queens Park Rangers
When: Saturday, 1:30 p.m.
TV: Fox Soccer (live)
What’s up: Forget the Game of the Century. Man City is the team of the century.
Just kidding.
They’re the team to beat now, so while this isn’t a sexy matchup on paper, it’s always interesting to see how the champions-elect perform.
Prediction: Man City 3, QPR 1
Chelsea at Blackburn Rovers
When: Saturday, 11 a.m.
TV: Fox Soccer (live)
What’s up: Chelsea takes over from Arsenal as England’s crisis club after that 5-3 home loss last weekend.
Blackburn beat Arsenal 4-3 at home earlier this season. What will happen with the new crisis club?
Prediction: Blackburn 2, Chelsea 2
2 Bieber Baby Daddys
Stoke City at Bolton Wanderers
When: Sunday, 10 a.m.
TV: Fox Soccer Plus (delayed, 10:30 a.m.)
What’s up: This week’s runner-up for best name-game.
Prediction: Stoke 1, Bolton 0
Sunderland at Manchester United
When: Saturday, 11 a.m.
TV: Fox Soccer Plus (live)
What’s up: United manager Sir Alex Ferguson recently marked 25 years in charge of the club.
Retire already.
Oh, and wasn’t Sunderland supposed to be good this season?
Prediction: Man U 3, Sunderland 1
Swansea City at Liverpool
When: Saturday, 11 a.m.
TV: Fox Soccer Plus (delayed, 3 p.m.)
What’s up: Poor Liverpool. This was supposed to be their big chance to get back into the title race.
I’m so shocked it hasn’t worked out.
Prediction: Liverpool 2, Swansea 1
1 Bieber Baby Daddy
Norwich City at Aston Villa
When: Saturday, 11 a.m.
TV: None
What’s up: Norwich is eighth in the table. That won’t last.
Aston Villa is ninth. That definitely will last.
At the end of the season, no one will actually remember that this match was played. Not even the players and coaches.
Prediction: Villa 0, Norwich 0
