Prem Picks: Puss In Boots Edition

I was all ready for this week’s post.

I had planned a screed about the upcoming movie Puss In Boots.

I was going to complain about how they never should have named a children’s movie that.

It sounds like a porno! What in the heck is the world coming to?

Then my wife ruined it. Thanks, wifey.

She told me Puss In Boots is, in fact, not new at all. She told me it’s a fairytale.

And so it is.

Wikipedia confirmed it: Puss In Boots is a character from a 1697 French (it would have to be French, wouldn’t it?) fairytale called Le Maitre Chat, ou Le Chat Botté.

English translation? I fart in your general direction! Go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

I keed. I keed.

Anyway, Wikipedia’s disambiguation page confirmed the existence of 12 films either named Puss In Boots or containing the character Puss In Boots. That includes eight since my birth year, and Shrek 2, which came out in 2004. Where have I been?

Still, though. Can’t we all agree that in the year 2011, with the current widespread use of certain double entendres, that they should have named the movie something else? What did you think I meant when you read the title of this post? Isn’t it inevitable that this post will get one hit from a misguided Google search?

And, hey, the real French translation of the original title is “Master Cat, or the Booted Cat.” The Frenchies weren’t even the ones who bothered with the double entendre—unless chat has some hidden double meaning we know nothing about.

I blame the English. As retaliation, I will rank each English Premier League game on this weekend’s schedule on the Puss In Boots scale. One Puss In Boots: Unwatchable. Five Puss In Bootses: Expect a classic.

See? Didn’t you just snicker a little?

5 Puss In Bootses

Arsenal at Chelsea

When: Saturday, 7:45 a.m. Eastern (all times Eastern from now on)

TV: ESPN2 (live)

What’s up: So Arsenal isn’t the worst team ever, after all. Arsene Wenger and Company have actually won as many matches (four) as they’ve lost (four, silly). Last week’s win over Stoke was really nice. Plus they’re unbeaten since October 2.

That means they’re back right?

Joking aside, Chelsea is still Boring, Boring Chelsea, which actually used to be Arsenal’s title. Plus, John Terry is a raycess! Too many distractions. I smell an “upset.”

The Pick: Arsenal 2, Chelsea 1

4 Puss in Bootses

Manchester United at Everton

When: Saturday, 7 a.m.

TV: ESPN Deportes (I’m guessing this means ESPN3.com, too)

What’s up: Manchester United got beat 6-1 by Manchester City last weekend. That was probably the single most satisfying game I’ve ever watched in my entire life, ever, all time, no contest, case closed.

No, I don’t like Manchester City. I hate Manchester United. I hate Sir Alex Ferguson. I hate Old Trafford (the way-cool name of their awesome stadium, which sucks because it belongs to them). I love seeing them lose, much like I love seeing the University of Alabama’s football team lose.

They won’t lose this weekend—Manchester United that is. But go LSU anyway.

The Pick: Manchester United 2, Everton 1

Bolton at Swansea City

When: Saturday, 10 a.m.

TV: None

What’s up: Come on, TV executives! This is a relegation battle!

Relegation battles are some of the best matches in any league at any time of year. The quality of soccer is awful. The tackles are stout. Players get riled up easily. Coaches argue with each other. A few refereeing decisions always get messed up.

It makes great television. This one, though, won’t even be on American TV. Tsk. Tsk.

The Pick: Swansea 3, Bolton 2

Fulham at Wigan Athletic

When: Saturday, 10 a.m.

TV: Fox Soccer (delayed, 5 p.m.)

What’s up: Another relegation battle. Fulham has way too much talent to be 17th in the table. Wigan, on the other hand, is perfectly posed at 19th.

Come on, Deuce!

The Pick: Fulham 2, Wigan 2

3 Puss In Bootses

Queens Park Rangers at Tottenham Hotspur

When: Sunday, noon

TV: Fox Soccer (live)

What’s up: QPR got that big win against Chelsea last week, so they suddenly look kinda dangerous. But they still only scored one goal against a Chelsea team that had two players sent off.

Spurs, well, they’re still Spurs. They’ve won four out of their last five in all competitions, so that means they’re due for a letdown.

The Pick: QPR 1, Spurs 1

Newcastle United at Stoke City

When: Monday, 4 p.m.

TV: ESPN Deportes

What’s up: I still think Newcastle can qualify for the Champions League. Liverpool is too Jekyl and Hyde-ish. Spurs won’t ever get their act together. Arsenal’s defense is too comical.

If Newcastle wants to prove it belongs, picking up tough away wins is a good way of doing that. But…

The Pick: Newcastle 1, Stoke 1

2 Puss In Bootses

Liverpool at West Bromwich Albion

When: Saturday, 12:30 p.m.

TV: Fox Soccer (live)

What’s up: Poor Liverpool. They tie Manchester United and everything seems like it’s going well. Then they tie Norwich. Oops.

Which team will show up? I don’t care that much…

The Pick: West Brom 2, Liverpool 1

Wolverhampton Wanderers at Manchester City

When: Saturday, 10 a.m.

TV: Fox Soccer (live)

What’s up: Manchester City won its last game 6-1 over Manchester United. The result represented a potentially seismic shift in English soccer.

It’ll be somewhat interesting to see how City follows up that win against a crappy Wolves team. But that’s the only reason to care.

The Pick: Manchester City 3, Wolves 0

1 Puss In Boots

Blackburn Rovers at Norwich City

When: Saturday, 10 a.m.

TV: Fox Soccer Plus (delayed, 4 p.m.)

What’s up: Nothing. There’s no reason to watch this match.

The Pick: Norwich 0, Blackburn 0

Aston Villa at Sunderland

When: Saturday, 10 a.m.

TV: Fox Soccer Plus (live)

What’s up: The TV execs don’t know what they’re doing. This game is the definition of midtable mediocrity. It will have no bearing on anything. Neither team will be relegated. Neither team will finish in the Top 6. Neither team is going anywhere.

Why not show a match between two teams that will be in a relegation fight at the end of the seasons?

The Pick: Sunderland 1, Aston Villa 1

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