Prem Picks: Shrek’s Been A Bad Boy Edition
So, the word out of UEFA this week was Shrek has been a bad, bad boy.
Image via Wikipedia
And don’t ya know it—the sky is falling.
Lost? You must not live in England (good for the manners, as we’ll see later). ‘Cos if you did (see how I did that with Brit’ish slang?), you would have lived through the wall-to-wall coverage of and breathless reaction to UEFA’s decision to ban England striker Wayne Rooney three matches for his stupid, straight red card last week in Euro 2012 qualifying.
That means he’ll miss the group stage of Euro 2012 next summer. All of it. So, like, England is screwed, or something.
Jeepers. You’d think David Beckham had broken a metatarsal or something.
My take? England always does something like this. Like that article above (click on the metatarsal link, cowboy) says, England has a long history of dealing with pre-major-tournament drama. But what that article doesn’t say is that England also has a long history of being major-world-tournament choke artists.
In short, they’re the Chicago Cubs with a bunch of crossover superstars but without the bleacher bums (well, that’s debatable). Something will go wrong, and Germany always wins anyway.
Time to move on, England. Your team isn’t that good anyway.
Take heart, though. Your league is awesome and there’s a pretty sick game on the schedule this weekend.
THE GAMES
(rankings based on watchability, anticipation, high stakes, etc;
1 ShrekRooney=CSPAN2; 5 ShrekRooneys=Jersey Shore Season One)
5 ShrekRooneys
Manchester United at Liverpool
When: Saturday, 7:30 a.m. ET
Where: Anfield, Liverpool
TV: ESPN2
No, this rivalry doesn’t have any bad blood at all.
And, hey! Lebron James is attending!
Four thoughts on that article:
(1) Did anyone else have any idea Lebron James owns part of Liverpool? Why wasn’t this widely reported in the American media?
Photo via ESPN.com
(2) Why didn’t Lebron buy into Manchester United? That would have fit more with his front-runner image.
(3) The article actually says this: “The NBA star, somewhat of a maverick figure in the United States, has confirmed his attendance at the Manchester United game.”
“Somewhat of a maverick figure”—What? If you say so.
(4) Forget the NFL, Lebron. PLAYSOCCER.
And one bonus thought:
(5) English people are meanies! Check out the comments on that article.
Peter1312 says: “Never take anyone seriously who refers to Football as Soccer.”
HATER!
And that comment was Recommended by 1!
Gano1 sez: “He is basically the 2nd most famous player in the NBA…”
2nd biggest HATER!
Recommended by 2!
utdtilidie says: “He probably hasn’t got a clue which one Manchesterpool or Liverunited are !”
Jolly right, mate! And you probably haven’t a clue which one the Seattle Redskins and Arizona 49ers are !
Recommended by 4!
What say you? Talk about the game?
Steven Gerrard is over his groin injury (fun!) and is ready to start for Liverpool.
Meanwhile, Manchester United is a machine, sweeping aside all challengers in its path. Except Benfica. And Stoke. And Basel.
Nonetheless, ShrekRooney still gets to play for United despite being naughty for England. And he’s got a bunch of good players around him, like Ashley Young. Heck, I’ll even throw Danny Welbeck a bone. Hey, not just anybody can score when your teammates pass you the ball 5 yards in front of goal when you’re unmarked. Not everyone, dangit!
Pick: Manchester United 2-1 Liverpool
4 ShrekRooneys
Aston Villa at Manchester City
Liam Gallagher loves Manchester City. Good for him.
When: Saturday, 10 a.m. ET
Where: Etihad Stadium, Manchester
TV: Fox Soccer (live)
Fun fact for soccer newbies: Liam Gallagher, formerly of Oasis fame (-ish), loves, loves, LOVES Manchester City.
New money hosts old mediocrity.
City sits atop the table, tied with United.
They have more pampered millionaires on their bench than Villa has in its history.
Pick: Manchester City 3, Aston Villa 1
Sunderland at Arsenal
When: Sunday, 8:30 a.m. ET
Where: Emirates Stadium, London
TV: Fox Soccer Plus (live)
After the atrocious start, every Arsenal game gets 4 ShrekRooneys until one of two things happen.
(1) Arsenal gets relegated
(2) Arsenal gets back into the Top 4.
Until then, every game is a cup final. Every game has the potential for defensive meltdown. Every game has the potential for water-bottle shenanigans.
Photo via Telegraph.co.uk
Pick: Sunderland 3, Arsenal 2
Spurs at Newcastle United
When: Sunday, 11 a.m. ET
Where: St. James’s Park, Newcastle
TV: Fox Soccer (live)
Spurs fancy themselves a Big Club, a new member of the Big 4. Newcastle sits fourth in the table.
Cat fight!
Pick: Newcastle 1, Spurs 1
3 Shrek Rooneys
Everton at Chelsea
When:Saturday, 12:30 p.m. ET
Photo via Kickette
Where: Stamford Bridge, London
TV: Fox Soccer (live)
Chelsea is quietly third in the table. Everton, which always seems to follow a good season with a near-disastrous flirtation with relegation, is 13th (still above Arsenal!).
American goalie Tim Howard starts for Everton. He used to wear an awesome camouflage kit. Now that was a fashion STATEMENT!
Fulham at Stoke City
When: Saturday, 10 a.m. ET
Where: Brittania Stadium, Stoke-on-Trent
TV: Fox Soccer (delayed, 5 p.m.
Why doesn’t America have cities with names like Stoke-on-Trent?
My wife and I went to Germany this summer, and we visited the tourist trap known as Rothenburg ob der Tauber. How could we stay away from a name like that?
The Deuce is loose, especially lately and in the mornings.
Anyway, Stoke plays some of the prettiest football by an English side not not named Arsenal, and they give up many, many fewer goals. Fulham has Clint Dempsey, everyone’s favorite American, who’s always droppin’ the deuce.
Pick: Stoke 2, Fulham 1
Bolton Wanderers at Wigan Athletic
When: Saturday, 10 a.m. ET
Where: DW Stadium, Wigan
TV: Fox Soccer Plus (delayed, 4 p.m.)
A relegation six-pointer! In October!
Wigan is 18th in the table with five points. Bolton is last with three. Neither team will have another opportunity to increase that total until Easter.
I keed! I keed!
Pick: Wigan 0, Bolton 0
2 ShrekRooneys
Swansea City at Norwich City
When: Saturday, 10 a.m. ET
Where: Carrow Road, Norwich
TV: Fox Soccer Plus (live)
Swansea plays some pretty good football at times. That has to be the reason this game is going to be shown on live TV.
In its last game, Norwich City huffed and puffed against Manchester United—and only lost 2-0.
Pick: Swansea 2, Norwich 0
Blackburn Rovers at Queens Park Rangers
When: Saturday, 10 a.m. ET
Where: Loftus Road, London
TV: Fox Soccer Plus (delayed, 2 p.m.)
QPR has the coolest name and acronym in world football. They also have sweet unis and the unpredictable Joey Barton.
There are no other reasons to watch this game.
Pick: QPR 1, Blackburn 1
1 ShrekRooney
Wolves at WBA
When: Sunday, 7 a.m. ET
Where: The Hawthorns, West Bromwich
TV: Fox Soccer Plus (delayed, 10:30 a.m.)
Even the fans of the two teams can’t figure out why this game was moved to Sunday.
Pick: WBA 1, Wolves 0
Everyone knows Stoke’s game these days and Fulham just beat the stuffing out of new money overrated QPR (6-0). Stoke 1-3 Fulham.